Archive for April, 2009

Dog Gone

April 29, 2009

chihuahah

Pet owners Dorothy and Lavern Utley spent two days searching for their beloved six-pound Chihuahua, Tinkerbell, after the little jerk was literally swept away by a 70 mph wind gust. HA! I don’t know about you but when I first read this I laughed hysterically for at least a full commercial break. The only thing that would make this better is if there was video footage.

Dorothy and Lavern (wait, that’s a man’s name?) frantically searched for Tinkerfrail until they decided to turn to a psychic for help. A psychic? Really? Remarkably the pet psychic lead them to a wooded area about a mile away from where the dog was abducted vanished and they actually found the bitch (scientific term).  Hmmm, this sounds fishy to me. I bet the “psychic” snatched the little runt (scientific term) him/herself and conned the Utleys for money.  I know that sounds grimey but you should  be aware that this happened a few miles outside of Detroit.  I bet you’re not shocked any more! As T-Baby famously sang, “It’s so cold in the D...”

Moral of the Story:  F*** small dogs!

By the way, what’s up with dude’s face?

sootface

It looks like he took a money shot from an exhaust pipe…

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Pimpin Ain’t Easy!

April 28, 2009

mickey

Mickey Rourke is KILLIN YA’LL on that fashion tip!  Is he rockin the Spiderman loafers??? You wanna know how to look like this? You ready for the secret? It’s real easy, let me show you:

Take one part John Travolta in Swordfish

swordfish_travolta_2

Add one part Penn (of Penn and Teller)225px-penn_jillette_in_2007

 

And top it off with one Albino Twin from The Matrix Reloaded

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BAM!

INSTANT FAIL

 

Can you believe this fool used to look like this?

mickey-rourke09

Is that the same person??

Stay away from drugs kids!

WACKNSS

April 27, 2009

Peep the license plate on this car that I spotted outside of my gym the other day…

"WIFELSS"

"WIFELSS"

That’s a bold statement, but I’m sure this cat is still pulling all types of sexy, shallow women with that car. I’m also going to assume that Drew Peterson is the driver.

I had to make a quick escape after taking this picture because the owner came out and I wasn’t about to  get arrested for BBWSTCWMW (Being Black While Standing Too Close to a White Man’s Whip). Too many of my homies got locked up for that last year.  FACT: Black people have been getting arrested for BBWSTCWMW since slavery was in full effect, back when a whip was merely a slave master’s weapon of choice.

It’s funny how “whips” and “chains” are actually desirable to the hip hop community these days whereas they used to be tools of oppression. You know what else is cool in hip hop now? Wackness!  Back in the day if you called a rapper wack he would shank you. Telling me that I was wack was like a white man calling me a nigger (see Michael Richards). But these days if you call a rapper wack it’s a compliment. Why? Beacuse wack rappers make hits son! Ringtone money is where it’s at!  Nobody cares about  similes and wordplay and “lyrics”. That don’t sound hot on the radio sucka! I’m about to record myself snoring and throw some AutoTune effects on the track so I can get that T-Pain sound. INSTANT HOTNESS!

Grimiest Football Play Ever!

April 23, 2009

This is the most ridiculous play that I’ve ever seen in the history of football:

Vodpod videos no longer available.

I’m sure some of the parents from the other team charged the field and stomped those punks. Well, that’s what I would’ve done…

:smh:

iThug Approves: Starburst FaveReds

April 22, 2009

favereds

Yes, I just copped an entire case of Starburst: FaveReds and no, I ain’t sellin these bad boys and yes, I have slightly lost my mind. I don’t know if this is a limited edition thing so I want to make sure that I’m set for a while. Not familiar with Fave Reds, are you? If so, your life has been a waste!  Everyone knows that the red/purple/pink Starbursts are always the best of the bunch and the heads at the Mars corporation finally decided to do something about it.

Strawberry, Cherry, Watermelon AND Fruit Punch are the flavors that make up the Fave Reds. I’m pretty sure they’re each laced with a bit of crack to ensure customer loyalty as well. If this isn’t a hoodrat’s dream I don’t know what is.  This might be the best combination since hot sauce and…anything! I wouldn’t be surprised if they used these as currency in a few small countries. Never again will I have to unenthusiastically eat the “aight” flavors before I get to the best ones in the pack. THIS is what the game’s been missing!

Monkey Fightin’ Snakes On a Monday to Friday Plane

April 22, 2009

Confused? Let me explain.  FX debuted Samuel L. Jackson’s magnum opus, Snakes On A Plane, but of course they had to do some serious editing to water down the language. This “remix” of the most famous line in the film definitely deserves an award of some sort:

Spotted @ Dlisted

Trick Betta Have My Money!

April 21, 2009

A man in Oak Creek, WI allegedly shot his mother in the leg 3 times with an AK-47 because she refused to give him $2. Go ahead and digest that.

ak47

Take your time.

Shall we continue?

Okay, let’s start from the beginning. This guy asked his mom for $2 to pay for the cover charge at a bar and she refused to give it to him. BIG MISTAKE. Angered by his own mother’s niggardly ways he cut her hand with a knife and stabbed his brother’s girlfriend in the leg when she attempted to call 911. Just when you thought it couldn’t get any more gangsta he went and grabbed his AK-47 out of the basement and proceeded to shoot his mother…THRICE!

I could see one bullet, but three?! That’s overkill son. I hit my mom with a taser once because she didn’t offer to sprinkle any Parmesan on my spaghetti. That was MAD disrespectful!

Moral of the story? Spaghetti is delicious. Real talk.

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Pissed Off at 30,000 Feet

April 18, 2009

rkellymilehigh

28-year-old Jerome Kenneth Kingzio was arrested and sentenced to three weeks in jail after pleading guilty to urinating on a 66-year-old woman DURING a flight from LA to Honolulu (InContinental Airlines?).  Kingzio allegedly had a few drinks in him when he decided to stand up, unzip his pants and handle his business. What can I say? If you gotta go you gotta go! The restroom is all the way in the back of the plane and there’s a good chance that it’s already occupied! Like my uncle always says, “Why use a toilet when you have a perfectly dry senior citizen sitting next to you?”

Apparently the victim, who was on her way to Hawaii to go SCUBA diving (too bad she wasn’t wearing her suit), was watching an in-flight movie when the incident took place. I wonder what she was watching? Little Piss Sunshine? Marley & Pee? There Will Be Suds? Hellboy II: The Golden Shower? Harry Potter & the Half-Blood Piss? Okay, I’m done…

R. Kelly – Pee On You

Vodpod videos no longer available.

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Wack Album Covers: 94′ Underground Hip Hop Edition

April 18, 2009

front_10

Remember the good ol’ days when you could look cool sitting on an oxygen tank with a 40 oz and a lead pipe with your name on it? No? Oh, that’s right, those days never existed! I tell you what though, those rap aliases back in the day were the best weren’t they? A name like Grand Daddy I.U.  would certainly put fear inside the hearts of men and tingliness inside the panties of women. Of course it’s not cool to have “Daddy” in your name in this day and age but back then it made you a BOSS. Puff Daddy, Trick Daddy and Daddy Yankee are the last of a dying breed…I hope.

I like the blue tint on the cover that makes it look like a VHS tape box that faded after you left it in the sun for too long because you let it sit in the back window of your car forever. I’m also amused by the text that looks like it was created with Microsoft WordArt. No flyer is complete without some WordArt son!

wordartdb

Fail of the Day

April 17, 2009

fail owned pwned pictures
see more pwn and owned pictures

20 year guarantee, eh? It should read “Buy 10.. Get 1.. Unwanted Baby and/or STD”

I doubt these are better than my own homemade condoms. Sandwich bag + twist tie + vegetable oil = prophylactic genius!

Bonus Fail!

fail owned pwned pictures
“Eeeeeeeeeeeek!!!”