Archive for the ‘True Story’ Category

Where the F*ck is Captain Planet?!

February 4, 2010

Why is Weatherbug blowing up my phone with severe weather condition alerts when it’s not supposed to snow or rain? Oh, word? These alerts aren’t for extreme weather? They’re for extreme pollution?! WTF?!

Apparently the air pollution in Chicago is so bad right now that an alert has gone out warning people not to stay outdoors for extended periods of time, especially if you already have respiratory problems. WOW. No wonder my damn cough won’t go away! Where the hell is this dude when you need him??

In addition to this garbage I read an article about how Chicago still doesn’t disinfect the waste water that it dumps in the river! Now you know why it always has that nasty greenish-brown color all the time. Of course we get our drinking water form Lake Michigan but this is still gross as hell. The city doesn’t actually want to take steps to clean this crap up (literally) because the resources that it would take to do so would create an even larger “carbon footprint”.


True Story: Urban Squirrel Edition

May 12, 2009
chicken bone1

This is not the actual hood squirrel that I encountered

You know you live in the hood when you see a squirrel running up a tree with a chicken bone and you don’t live anywhere near picnic grounds. I dare you to walk through the hood and not find at least 27 chicken wing bones, 10 empty bags of chips and 7 multicolored nickel bags on any given block.  Unfortunately I wasn’t able to take a picture with my slow camera phone because city squirrels have the ability to move like a young Jackie Chan with crackhead speed.

The squirrel turned around and stared me down from halfway up the tree and looked as if to say “Um, unless you got some cole slaw to go with this chicken you might wanna keep it movin, patnah.” I flipped that little sonuvabitch the bird while running away from it backwards (NEVER turn your back on a squirrel!) and told him that his mama’s a one-legged alcoholic and they call her “Hop-Scotch”.

True story.