Archive for March, 2010

Say No to Fish, Kids

March 31, 2010

A 66-year old pet shop owner in England was fined $1,506 and ordered to wear an ankle bracelet because she was caught selling ___________ to a minor.

A.) Weed
B.) Goldfish
C.) Bootleg DVDs
D.) Condoms

If you guessed “Goldfish” you are correct! Yes, goldfish. Apparently it’s illegal to sell goldfish to children under the age of 16 per a law that was enacted back in medieval times, and by that I mean 2006. Additionally her son was fined $1,300 and ordered to serve 120 hours of community service.

How did the police find out about this dastardly duo, you ask? It was a sting operation! They sent a 14-year old boy in a pet shop to see if he could buy a fish and as soon he came out [the rest of this is a product of my imagination but probably very close to what actually happened] and gave a thumbs up a tear gas grenade flew through the window and a swat team charged in with rifles drawn yelling “Get on the bloody floor you sick son of a bitch! Drop the fish! DROP IT!!!”

On a serious note, what has the world come to? Old women are selling goldfish to kids now? They’re just kids! Aren’t there enough temptations in this world for them? They’re smoking, drinking, huffing, sexting and now scaling*?! We, as a community, need to do more to get these old people off our streets and out of our stores so they can stop corrupting the youth. Who’s with me?!

*Scaling: The act of smoking or snorting scales removed from a live goldfish to produce hallucinogenic effects. Also referred to as “Finding Nemo”

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Erykah Badukie Booty

March 30, 2010

I already determined that Erykah Badu had a big booty when I saw her in concert last year but DAMN! Jay Electronica you are a lucky son of a bitch! This is the new video for her song “Window Seat”. I like the song but don’t really care about whatever message she’s trying to get across because I’m more intrigued by her strippin. Maybe if she wrote a profound message across her buttcheeks, and I’m sure she could fit a whole dissertation on there, I’d be more interested. It’s apparent that all of Erykah’s baby weight keeps going straight to her ass but I’ll be damned if I complain. Is it too late for a Smooth or King magazine cover??

Check out http://www.erykahbadu.com for more symbolism and unfortunately, less ass ūüė¶

Update: Here’s the video that inspired Erykah Badu

It took me a second to figure out which one was “Kim”…

Mortal Combat

March 26, 2010

Like most men I enjoy watching the occasional amateur chick fight. I have to stress the word “amateur” because there’s nothing exciting about watching professional female athletes beat each other up with rules and well-honed athletic techniques. I’m talkin bout the neighborhood fights that take place because Natondelaya found out that her boyfriend, Lil Boogie, got her former best friend, Lex’cedes, pregnant, right before he went to jail! Ohh snap!!

I just came across an article in The Chicago Tribune that made my day. Two women apparently had beef with each other, probably because of some trifilin dude that neither of them should’ve been messing around with in the first place, and they finally decided to throw down. The only problem is that one of the women, Charlis Harris, wasn’t there to slap box, she was was out to KILL!

The unidentified victim, whom I’ll refer to as Lex’cedes, claims that Charlis was following her in a car while she was driving so she stopped and got out to confront her. Before she could pull out her earrings and rub Vaseline on her face Charlis attacked her with acid AND tried to shoot her! WTF?! She hopped out the car with a container of acid in one hand and a gun in the other? Who goes to a fight with acid and a gun? And that’s not even her full arsenal, she also had a HAMMER! After she shot at Lex’cedes and missed she channeled the remainder of her rage toward busting up her car with the hammer before making her escape. WOW!

I’m imagining that she was rocking a Baby Phat toolbelt with a nine millimeter in place of the power drill?

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Everything’s Racist

March 15, 2010

See this Bald Eagle sneaking up on this black bird? Does it remind you of anything? No? Well you need to wake up! This is the origin of slavery my friends. The black bird represents the Africans that were chillin on their continent until the American Bald Eagle a.k.a Whitey McIndianKiller, creeped up, snatched everybody and threw em in the bottom of a boat.

I’m sure that this little bird is stuck somewhere, cleaning a nest and feeding spoiled baby eagles, with his foot cut off, after his failed attempts for freedom. Give us free!

Here are my poorly thought out captions for the last photo:

Caption 1: “You forgot your boarding pass!” (a la Mike Lowry in Bad Boys)

Caption 2: “America, F*CK YEAH!”

Caption 3: The Fox network has a new¬†show¬†called “America’s Got Talons” (awful, I know)

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Hilary Swank Could GET IT!

March 10, 2010

Yeah, that’s right, apparently Ms. Million Dollar Baby/Boys Don’t Cry got a body on her. Word, son? Yeah, WORD! I already told you that the other Hilary could get it but it looks like she got some stiff competition from my penis Ms. Swank. Of course she still looks like Billy Bob Thornton with Gary Busey’s teeth but from the neck down she’s like BOOM BOOM POW!!

Spotted @ Hollywood Tuna

Rihanna Goes Off the Deep End

March 10, 2010

Rihanna has undoubtedly confirmed, at least in my all-knowing eyes, that she isn’t afraid to do somethin strange for a little bit of change. A few nights ago she performed her new freak anthem, “Rude Boy”, at the Echo Music Awards¬† and by “performed” I mean gyrated, grabbed her cooter and flirted with two giant sexual predator bots for 4 minutes until one of them “discharged” on her face.¬† I have never been more turned on and repulsed in my life!¬† Watch the video:

Let’s be real, Rihanna ain’t the most exciting performer out there so I can’t¬† knock her for doing what she needs to do to keep people interested.¬† Nahmsayin? See more pics below:

Rihanna awakens the horny alien robots by producing an enchanting melody by way of her musical vagina

Looks like someone could use an umbrella, ella, ella, ay, ay ay?

See more photos and commentary @ Dlisted

More White People in Imminent Danger

March 9, 2010

FACT: The diet of a Great White Shark generally consists of  sea lions, seals, animated clownfish, other sharks and of course, crazy shark-attack instigating white people.

FACT: Sometimes white people like to ¬†slather their nether regions with chum, throw on some scuba gear and play “Underwater Paparazzi” with giant deadly sea creatures. ¬†Sounds like a hell of a¬†Saturday¬†morning doesn’t it??

Playing “TMZ” with a shark not extreme enough for you? Try grabbing it by the nose or tickling its anus when it swims near you. You can place bets to see how quickly you’ll lose your limb and get bonus points if it snatches you right out of the cage!

None of the fools in the pictures above were injured. ¬†Sad, I know. ¬†But there’s always next time. And trust me, there WILL be a next time!

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