Archive for June, 2009

Breaking News?

June 26, 2009

I like how all of my friends were sending me texts when Michael Jackson died as if I didn’t already know. Don’t you know who I am? I’m iTHUG baby! I keep my finger on the pulse of the internets. You think it matters that I was supposed to be working when the news broke? Do you think I work?! WTF is WORK, homie?? I’M A BOSS!! I just happened to go to Yahoo to confirm what I already knew and at first I couldn’t find anything. Then I scrolled down a bit and finally saw the headline. Click the thumbnail below to see what I mean:

fuckyahoo

So the newest unneccessary Nintendo Wii accessory was more newsworthy than the death of one of the greatest artists of all time? They couldn’t even post the story as a headline at the top of the page? Vending machines that dispense comfortable shoes for $8 was a bigger attention grabber?  Good call, Yahoo! And that’s why Google is the “2 Girls” to Yahoo’s “1 Cup”.

R.I.P Mike

June 26, 2009

michael-jackson

~MOMENT OF SILENCE~

Tat for Tit

June 22, 2009

I just came across a pic of this subpar rapper named Maino and 3 things came to mind:

1.) Dude needs to wear a bra, albeit he’s not as bad as Rick Ross
maino-2

2.) It looks like his chest hair was replaced with nappy feathers
maino-blu

3.) If I didn’t know any better I’d think Maino was the same dude that played Raheem in Juice and Darnell in GirlfriendsKhalil Kain

Father’s Day Breakfast

June 22, 2009

Whenever I finally have kids I’m gonna make sure that those little bastards don’t short me on Father’s Day. I don’t want an ugly tie, shirt or a mug! I’m not asking for a lot really.  Just get me a bottle of Bombay Sapphire, make me a breakfast fit for a king and leave me the hell alone for the rest of the day. Is that too much to ask?

I’ll even send my kids in the right direction by telling them where to look for recipes. All they have to do is go to http://thisiswhyyourefat.com/ (I will eat damn near everything on this site) and pick something delicious like this peanut butter, banana, honey and bacon sandwich on potato bread, dipped in egg batter then fried in bacon fat, topped with butter and blueberry syrup.  Mmmm, my heart stops beating just from looking at the picture.

Heart Attack Sandwich

The Jacksons Unmasked!

June 21, 2009

So I recently came across this picture of Michael Jackson and his “biological” children, Prince Michael and Paris. I’m surprised to see that none of them are wearing those silly Mardi Gras/Zorro masks.  They ALMOST look normal. Shocking isn’t it?

jackomasksball

Wow, they really look just like their daddy. His skin disease must’ve completely altered his DNA.

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.They remind me of the characters on a cartoon called The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy. Tell me this isn’t a spitting image:

grim-adventures-billy-mandy

Flashmob: MC Hammer Style

June 8, 2009

A bunch of people run up in a clothing store with MC Hammer pants and break out into choreographed dance number. Classic!

ESPorN

June 3, 2009

I was on ESPN’s website when I came across this blatantly sexual headline and picture for Serena Williams’ loss at the French Open. If Serena and Common’s amateur porn video ever gets in the wrong hands the distributor should have a good idea for the title:

SerenaSlammed

Disclaimer: I totally didn’t add anything to this photo at all…

Reason #89045 Why I Hate My Job

June 2, 2009

Today is June 2nd, right? Why the hell is it 49 degrees outside and raining?! The average high for June is 79 degrees! I’ll tell you why the weather is so stupid…it’s because my job sucks! That’s why! You know how much harder it is to wake up and drag yourself to a wack ass job when it’s cold and raining outside?? You probably do…but this ain’t about you!

I’m gonna have to start doing some illegal street racing or making women pay me for sex. Both of these options seem quite lucrative and realistic. But seriously, how the hell does my job keep getting worse? It’s like a diaper that hasn’t been changed on a baby for weeks. It keeps getting shittier and shittier! Previously we used to get a paltry 3% raise after an annual compensation review but just recently it was secretly dropped to 1%! What the hell is that?! That’s like $10 extra dollars a check! I can’t eat off that son! I can’t buy a Choppa Suit with that! I can’t make it rain in the club! That’s barely enough for a light mist!

Mugshot of the Week

June 1, 2009

CatKiller

Name: El Pollo Loco

Charge: Cat Murderer (so gangsta!)

If Mattel comes out with a “Burn Victim Barbie Doll” I have a feeling that it will look eerily similar to this guy. There’s nothing more frightening than a man with four Rapunzel-like locs flowing from his scalp and mascara running down his face like a pornstar on the cover of Throat Gaggers 2. That better be a result of “insanely laughing so hard my eyes are watering” tears and not “I want my mommy uh oh I just shat on myself” tears.