Archive for April 6th, 2009

One Night Stand Gone Awry

April 6, 2009


RUSSIA–Alexander Kirilov, 44, was out drinking with his friends and slowly losing his ability to inhibit his homoerotic fantasies when he spotted a raccoon. He probably noticed that the little creature had five toes that resembled human fingers and became aroused.  So he decided to hop on the furry animal and have his way with it, not knowing how quickly he would regret this decision.

While Alexander was surely aware of the fact that raccoons are omnivorous, he probably only assumed that they ate fruits, nuts, rodents, frogs, eggs and other things of that nature. However he soon discovered that their diet also included something that would leave him feeling impartial for the rest of his life–man penis. Yep, the raccoon bit off a piece of his wiener with more satisfaction than a baseball fan during the first home game of the season. Looks like Alex also learned the hard way that raccoons don’t take kindly to rape. Who knew?

According to one of Alexander’s friends the cosmetic surgeons advised that they’ll be able to “get things working again” but will not be able to restore what the raccoon bit off. Ouch. His friend also said that Alexander is still an asshole but not as much of a dick as he used to be. Well, not really, but that’s what I would’ve said.