Archive for February, 2009

Turn Ons: Diapers and The New Testament

February 24, 2009

depends5

A woman in Detroit, MI who told a man that she had “nowhere to stay” (sounds like hooker talk to me…) was kidnapped and escorted (hehe) 55 miles to Toledo, OH where she was then bound and gagged and stripped naked while her captor read Bible verses to her in his home which probably looked eerily similar to that of Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs. Actually she wasn’t totally naked because the guy did at least have the decency to put a DIAPER on her like any gentleman should. And some people say that chivalry is dead? Ha!

In between scripture readings the crazy sumbitch also allegedly tried to suffocate the woman with a pillow and blanket possibly because he was astounded that she didn’t find the entire experience to be as breathtaking as he did. “If this don’t take yur breath away I know what will you whoore! Now put the lotion on yer skin or else you get the hose again!”

Update: The lady managed to escape while the kidnapper was asleep and police found her running around with a t-shirt and handcuffs. Hmmm, I wonder if the diaper was soiled…

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Chris Brown is DONE! (Real Rihanna Pic)

February 20, 2009

Well there’s no need to speculate on the extent of Rihanna’s injuries any more…

rihanna_aftermath

If this is Photoshopped the person responsible must be The Devil and/or the Head Graphic Artist at Pixar Studios. Besides, that roman numeral tattoo looks legitimate to me!

Now it’s apparent that we still don’t know the whole story but that excuse is starting to wear quite thin. Anybody that comes to Chris Clown’s defense at this point, and there are a lot of them, shouldn’t be too surprised when they get chopped in the throat without warning. Defending him, and thus rejecting Rihanna’s possible innocence, without knowing the whole story is just as bad as automatically accusing him of wrongdoing on the same grounds.  I understand that you wanna give him the benefit of the doubt but, unless she inflicted this damage to herself on some Thin Line Between Love and Hate type ish or was possessed and required an exorcism, it’s not looking too good for ya boy…

Jack Bauer in Drag?

February 18, 2009

Kiefer and Rachel Sutherland

Kiefer Sutherland has signed on to star in the sequel to the critically acclaimed Wayans Brother comedy, White Chicks.

Just kidding! That’s actually a picture of his mannish twin sister, Rachel Sutherland. Ouch…

Hustlin 101

February 18, 2009

fail owned pwned pictures
see more pwn and owned pictures

“Nah playa, this ain’t no regular snow! You see this garbage behind me? You can find that anywhere but this snow right here…THIS SNOW RIGHT HERE, this is imported straight from Alaska son! This is 100% pure white. These snowballs are made from straight glacier water! Look, if you buy 2 snowballs right now I’ll throw in half a pack of Newports. Holla at me.”

The Office

February 18, 2009

broken_microwave

There are currently two microwaves in the kitchen at my job that are shared by everyone in the office. There’s a big white one that everyone loves and a little black one that barely works and is shunned by all. Blatant racism aside, you would think two microwaves would be sufficient right? WRONG! The white microwave has been broken down and/or replaced at least 6 times in 2 years and the black one broke once but nobody really cares about a crippled veteran. People just walk up to it and say “Maybe you should stop complaining about ‘Whitey’ and get a job and stop using my tax money to buy gizzards and ‘drank’ with your food stamps!” Sorry, I channeled Rush Limbaugh for a second…

How do grown ass adults break several microwaves? Kitchen appliances in college dorms last longer than this! Are there metal shavings in those nasty little Healthy Choice dinners or are they accidentally setting the Tupperware containers on the counter while placing the aluminum foil wrapped silverware in the microwave??

If there was a surveillance camera that could show how the microwaves are being destroyed every 4 months I bet the footage would look like this:

They done stole my truck?

February 13, 2009

Laguna Beach, CA–Michael Otera pulled up to a convenience store in his pick-up truck, probably to buy a case of Red Dog beer to chug on his porch with his dogs (Smith and Wesson), when something terrible happened. After leaving the store he quickly noticed that his truck was missing! Fortunately a surveillance camera captured the entire incident on tape. I wonder what happened…

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Well whaddaya know? The moron forgot to apply the parking brake! The truck was already moving backwards as he stepped out! How could you not notice that? Fortunately for him the truck just rolled into a vacant parking spot and hit a small concrete barrier. Unfortunately for mankind the truck didn’t put itself in drive and run over this guy while he was standing there embarrassing our species.

DMX in Solitary Coonfinement

February 11, 2009
Where my dogs at?! Nevermind...

Arf! Arf! Mind yo business lady!

No, that is not a typo in the title…

Earl Simmons aka DMX-con is locked up in solitary confinement following an altercation with prison guards in an Arizona state detention center. As you know he was sentenced to 90 days in jail after pleading guilty to cruelty to animals, theft, two drug counts, public tomfoolery and jigaboo foolishness.

For some people 90 days in jail might seem like a long time but when you look at all of the stupid stuff that Crackhead Earl has done over the last few years you can’t help but think he’s getting off easy.

Apparently this fool refused to report to his prison job (clamping those little plastic tips to the ends of shoe strings?), failed to show up to receive his medication (God, help us) and decided to go off on prison staff when he came back an hour late to pick it up…hence why he was eventually thrown in the hole. Now I bet he really thinks that It’s Dark and Hell Is Hot!

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Exclusive: Brett Favre Retiring…Again!

February 11, 2009

favre-retires

I have received confirmation from my closest and most trustworthy sources (ESPN and the Associated Press) indicating that Brett Favre is throwing in the towel yet AGAIN, but this time without the press conference and man tears.

I'm gon' quit you for real this time! Stop makin it so hard!

I'm gon' quit you for real this time! Stop makin it so hard!

Expect Favre to become an ESPN analyst or boring commentator within the next few months. Or perhaps he’ll record a country album with Auto Tune called “Biscuits N’ White Gravy”? T-Pain will inevitably be featured on his first single, “Whisky Makes Me Frisky”.

Touch My Body: Karaoke Edition

February 10, 2009

This is the GOOD VERSION of Mariah Carey’s song, “Touch My Body”.

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It’s True!!!

February 9, 2009

Once you go black you never go back!

clintonsunb

CONFIRMED!!!