Archive for the ‘Real News’ Category

Is it really that serious?

May 12, 2010

A former Marine who neighbors say obsessed over his University Park lawn is being held on $3 million bail, accused of gunning down a neighbor whose puppy urinated on the man’s well-manicured grass.

Charles J. Clements, 69, had won the south suburb’s beautification and lawn upkeep award but also was known for threatening people who dared to set foot in his yard, neighbors said.

Joshua Funches, a 23-year-old father of two, was walking his fox terrier Gucci in the 500 block of Landau Road on Sunday night when the dog lifted its leg and urinated on Clements’ lawn, said Funches’ mother Patricia, 53.

The two men began arguing, and at some point, Clements, a retired truck driver, pulled out a pistol and pointed it at Funches, a Crete-Monee High School graduate who drove a bus, said Will County Assistant State’s Attorney Sondra Denmark.

Witnesses said Funches then said to Clements, “Next time you pull out a pistol, why don’t you use it?” Denmark said. At that point, witnesses said they saw orange and white light and heard a loud noise. They saw Funches fall to the ground.

WTF is wrong with people?! How are you gonna kill somebody because their puppy pee’d on your lawn? I’ve seen some old people that were ridiculously anal about maintaining their punk ass lawns but this one obviously takes the cake.  When I was a young thug there wasn’t a day that went by when some old chump wasn’t yellin out their window telling me to “Get off the lawn!” or “Get off my car!” or “Get off my daughter!” but none of em ever came running out with a gun.  And if they did I certainly wouldn’t provoke them by saying “Next time you pull out a pistol, why don’t you use it?” Don’t get me wrong, I ain’t no punk, but I would handle this situation like we do in the streets.  I’d do a drive by on his lawn and pee in his mailbox while he’s asleep. Then again, this crazy negro probably doesn’t sleep. I bet he just sits by the window all day and night while polishing his pistol (double entendre…no homo) and waits for someone to even LOOK at his grass the wrong way.

Additional observations:

-Why the hell was the victim’s dog named “Gucci”??

-When the cops came Mr. Clements told them, “I knew you were coming for me. That’s why I changed my clothes. I knew you were coming for me.”

WTF? He changed his clothes? Did he put on a leisure suit and some gators? Did he want to ride to prison in style? I bet he got so excited when he saw the dog peeing on his lawn that he jumped straight out of his bedroom window with nothing but his gun and tighty whities yellin “OORAH!!!”


Mortal Combat

March 26, 2010

Like most men I enjoy watching the occasional amateur chick fight. I have to stress the word “amateur” because there’s nothing exciting about watching professional female athletes beat each other up with rules and well-honed athletic techniques. I’m talkin bout the neighborhood fights that take place because Natondelaya found out that her boyfriend, Lil Boogie, got her former best friend, Lex’cedes, pregnant, right before he went to jail! Ohh snap!!

I just came across an article in The Chicago Tribune that made my day. Two women apparently had beef with each other, probably because of some trifilin dude that neither of them should’ve been messing around with in the first place, and they finally decided to throw down. The only problem is that one of the women, Charlis Harris, wasn’t there to slap box, she was was out to KILL!

The unidentified victim, whom I’ll refer to as Lex’cedes, claims that Charlis was following her in a car while she was driving so she stopped and got out to confront her. Before she could pull out her earrings and rub Vaseline on her face Charlis attacked her with acid AND tried to shoot her! WTF?! She hopped out the car with a container of acid in one hand and a gun in the other? Who goes to a fight with acid and a gun? And that’s not even her full arsenal, she also had a HAMMER! After she shot at Lex’cedes and missed she channeled the remainder of her rage toward busting up her car with the hammer before making her escape. WOW!

I’m imagining that she was rocking a Baby Phat toolbelt with a nine millimeter in place of the power drill?


When Animals Attack: Yo Ass is Grass Edition

August 25, 2009

A gamekeeper at a national park in Uganda was walking around talking reckless one day when one of the inhabitants finally decided put him in check…

hungry hippo1

FACT: Hippos are the most dangerous animals in Africa. They kill more people than crocodiles, lions and blood diamond mining.


FACT: The hippo is the 3rd largest land mammal in the world. Kirstie Alley’s butt cheeks are #1 and #2, respectively.


FACT: Hippos can run up to 30mph.  Unless you’re Usain Bolt with a jetpack you might want to sit this race out. The guy in the picture somehow managed to escape. The hippo probably didn’t want the karma of his death on its soul.

R.I.P Mike

June 26, 2009



Good News?

May 18, 2009

Are you in a happy mood? Are you pissed off about it? Try reading a newspaper to quickly turn that lame smile upside down! Every morning I read the Chicago Tribune to remind myself that so many people in this world are pieces of shit and my life is constantly in peril. Weeeeee!


Feeling awful now? Good! Mission accomplished!

A Flash for a Flash

May 7, 2009


Disneyland has decided to stop hiring workers to watch for girls flashing their breasts on rides such as Space Mountain, Splash Mountain and Tower of Terror. Say what?! Every once in a while some adventurous/drunk woman will try to flash her sweater puppies right at the moment when they take those “Gotcha! Photos“, as John McCain would call them. You know what I’m talking about, right? They have the camera set up somewhere in the middle of the ride that’ll take a picture of you when you least expect it so you can look extra stupid or hilariously frightened:


I’m just mad, and by that I mean jealous, that people were actually getting paid SOLELY to look for exposed breasts! If I got paid for looking at fun bags I would’ve been a millionaire a decade ago!

After doing this for 10 years Disneyland made the decision to reassign the “Flash Inspectors” (I hope that’s the actual job title) to other jobs because “actual inappropriate behaviors by guests are rare.” I guess it would be kinda boring if you rarely saw anything. I wonder if Tinkerbell is an exhibitionist? Word on the street is that she did a porno that never got released called Sphincterbell: Anal Princess.True story. I read it in a textbook.


Dog Gone

April 29, 2009


Pet owners Dorothy and Lavern Utley spent two days searching for their beloved six-pound Chihuahua, Tinkerbell, after the little jerk was literally swept away by a 70 mph wind gust. HA! I don’t know about you but when I first read this I laughed hysterically for at least a full commercial break. The only thing that would make this better is if there was video footage.

Dorothy and Lavern (wait, that’s a man’s name?) frantically searched for Tinkerfrail until they decided to turn to a psychic for help. A psychic? Really? Remarkably the pet psychic lead them to a wooded area about a mile away from where the dog was abducted vanished and they actually found the bitch (scientific term).  Hmmm, this sounds fishy to me. I bet the “psychic” snatched the little runt (scientific term) him/herself and conned the Utleys for money.  I know that sounds grimey but you should  be aware that this happened a few miles outside of Detroit.  I bet you’re not shocked any more! As T-Baby famously sang, “It’s so cold in the D...”

Moral of the Story:  F*** small dogs!

By the way, what’s up with dude’s face?


It looks like he took a money shot from an exhaust pipe…


Trick Betta Have My Money!

April 21, 2009

A man in Oak Creek, WI allegedly shot his mother in the leg 3 times with an AK-47 because she refused to give him $2. Go ahead and digest that.


Take your time.

Shall we continue?

Okay, let’s start from the beginning. This guy asked his mom for $2 to pay for the cover charge at a bar and she refused to give it to him. BIG MISTAKE. Angered by his own mother’s niggardly ways he cut her hand with a knife and stabbed his brother’s girlfriend in the leg when she attempted to call 911. Just when you thought it couldn’t get any more gangsta he went and grabbed his AK-47 out of the basement and proceeded to shoot his mother…THRICE!

I could see one bullet, but three?! That’s overkill son. I hit my mom with a taser once because she didn’t offer to sprinkle any Parmesan on my spaghetti. That was MAD disrespectful!

Moral of the story? Spaghetti is delicious. Real talk.


Pissed Off at 30,000 Feet

April 18, 2009


28-year-old Jerome Kenneth Kingzio was arrested and sentenced to three weeks in jail after pleading guilty to urinating on a 66-year-old woman DURING a flight from LA to Honolulu (InContinental Airlines?).  Kingzio allegedly had a few drinks in him when he decided to stand up, unzip his pants and handle his business. What can I say? If you gotta go you gotta go! The restroom is all the way in the back of the plane and there’s a good chance that it’s already occupied! Like my uncle always says, “Why use a toilet when you have a perfectly dry senior citizen sitting next to you?”

Apparently the victim, who was on her way to Hawaii to go SCUBA diving (too bad she wasn’t wearing her suit), was watching an in-flight movie when the incident took place. I wonder what she was watching? Little Piss Sunshine? Marley & Pee? There Will Be Suds? Hellboy II: The Golden Shower? Harry Potter & the Half-Blood Piss? Okay, I’m done…

R. Kelly – Pee On You

Vodpod videos no longer available.


Kentucky Grilled Chicken?

April 14, 2009


Kentucky Fried Chicken announced that its restaurants will begin serving  GRILLED CHICKEN in addition to the original fried chicken recipe in an effort to increase profit margins and demonstrate its commitment to providing healthier choices to attract more customers.

Expect to be bombarded by a national multimedia advertising blitz within the next several minutes as KFC tries to spread the word. To get the ball rolling KFC has declared April 27, 2009 as “UNFry Day” in which participating restaurants will give out a free piece of grilled chicken to customers. Be sure to Google Map all of the KFC’s within a 20 mile radius so you and the kids can eat a meal’s worth of free samples for dinner that day.

By the way, if you didn’t click the link in the paragraph above I STRONGLY advise you to go to their website right now ( I suppose I should also warn you to prepare yourself for the amount of coonery that you’ll be exposed to on the left side of the screen.  How can any self respecting black people allow themselves to be recorded while proudly jiggabooing around a room eating chicken?! A WHITE room nonetheless. Obama moved us forward and now we’re going right back to square one! Dancing for chicken?!? If I buy a combo will it come with watermelon and black face paint too??

Stop smiling and show some damn dignity fool!

Stop smiling and show some damn dignity fool!

Will this work out for KFC or will it fail like everything else that they’ve tried with the exception of those delicious, crack-infused Honey BBQ Wings? A good way to measure its success is to see if  someone gets robbed over a bucket of chicken. If people start getting jacked for a grilled 10-piece, KFC definitely has a winner on its hands.