Archive for the ‘WTF?!’ Category

What Would You Do?

April 20, 2010

What would you do if you saw a 5-ft long crocodile swimming in your pool?

Would you dip your toes in the water and taunt it like a fat kid chasing an ice cream truck that just won’t stop? If you answered yes, congratulations, because you’ll soon be featured in one of my “When Animals Attack (mostly white people)” articles.

Australia – A water aerobics class in Darwin had to be postponed this morning after a crocodile was found in the pool. The 5ft reptile was spotted in the Howard Springs Holiday Park pool about 30 minutes before the class was due to start.

Park manager Geoff Thompson said they found the creature while carrying out safety checks. He added: ‘We went down like normal to check the pools out – chlorine and test them, give them a scoop out -because [on] Tuesdays and Thursdays the local ladies of Howard Springs do their water aerobics. ‘And there was a crocodile in there.’ He said none of the women was keen to start the class at the scheduled time.
‘They were all there waiting for the ranger to collect it and once he got it out of the water they started their aerobics,’ he said.

Mr Thompson said he first thought someone must have deliberately put the crocodile in the pool. But he now believes it slipped under a section of the fence.

I guess finding a crocodile in a pool in Australia is akin to finding a crackhead in an abandoned building in Any Hood, USA.

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Say No to Fish, Kids

March 31, 2010

A 66-year old pet shop owner in England was fined $1,506 and ordered to wear an ankle bracelet because she was caught selling ___________ to a minor.

A.) Weed
B.) Goldfish
C.) Bootleg DVDs
D.) Condoms

If you guessed “Goldfish” you are correct! Yes, goldfish. Apparently it’s illegal to sell goldfish to children under the age of 16 per a law that was enacted back in medieval times, and by that I mean 2006. Additionally her son was fined $1,300 and ordered to serve 120 hours of community service.

How did the police find out about this dastardly duo, you ask? It was a sting operation! They sent a 14-year old boy in a pet shop to see if he could buy a fish and as soon he came out [the rest of this is a product of my imagination but probably very close to what actually happened] and gave a thumbs up a tear gas grenade flew through the window and a swat team charged in with rifles drawn yelling “Get on the bloody floor you sick son of a bitch! Drop the fish! DROP IT!!!”

On a serious note, what has the world come to? Old women are selling goldfish to kids now? They’re just kids! Aren’t there enough temptations in this world for them? They’re smoking, drinking, huffing, sexting and now scaling*?! We, as a community, need to do more to get these old people off our streets and out of our stores so they can stop corrupting the youth. Who’s with me?!

*Scaling: The act of smoking or snorting scales removed from a live goldfish to produce hallucinogenic effects. Also referred to as “Finding Nemo”

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Mortal Combat

March 26, 2010

Like most men I enjoy watching the occasional amateur chick fight. I have to stress the word “amateur” because there’s nothing exciting about watching professional female athletes beat each other up with rules and well-honed athletic techniques. I’m talkin bout the neighborhood fights that take place because Natondelaya found out that her boyfriend, Lil Boogie, got her former best friend, Lex’cedes, pregnant, right before he went to jail! Ohh snap!!

I just came across an article in The Chicago Tribune that made my day. Two women apparently had beef with each other, probably because of some trifilin dude that neither of them should’ve been messing around with in the first place, and they finally decided to throw down. The only problem is that one of the women, Charlis Harris, wasn’t there to slap box, she was was out to KILL!

The unidentified victim, whom I’ll refer to as Lex’cedes, claims that Charlis was following her in a car while she was driving so she stopped and got out to confront her. Before she could pull out her earrings and rub Vaseline on her face Charlis attacked her with acid AND tried to shoot her! WTF?! She hopped out the car with a container of acid in one hand and a gun in the other? Who goes to a fight with acid and a gun? And that’s not even her full arsenal, she also had a HAMMER! After she shot at Lex’cedes and missed she channeled the remainder of her rage toward busting up her car with the hammer before making her escape. WOW!

I’m imagining that she was rocking a Baby Phat toolbelt with a nine millimeter in place of the power drill?

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Rihanna Goes Off the Deep End

March 10, 2010

Rihanna has undoubtedly confirmed, at least in my all-knowing eyes, that she isn’t afraid to do somethin strange for a little bit of change. A few nights ago she performed her new freak anthem, “Rude Boy”, at the Echo Music Awards  and by “performed” I mean gyrated, grabbed her cooter and flirted with two giant sexual predator bots for 4 minutes until one of them “discharged” on her face.  I have never been more turned on and repulsed in my life!  Watch the video:

Let’s be real, Rihanna ain’t the most exciting performer out there so I can’t  knock her for doing what she needs to do to keep people interested.  Nahmsayin? See more pics below:

Rihanna awakens the horny alien robots by producing an enchanting melody by way of her musical vagina

Looks like someone could use an umbrella, ella, ella, ay, ay ay?

See more photos and commentary @ Dlisted

More White People in Imminent Danger

March 9, 2010

FACT: The diet of a Great White Shark generally consists of  sea lions, seals, animated clownfish, other sharks and of course, crazy shark-attack instigating white people.

FACT: Sometimes white people like to  slather their nether regions with chum, throw on some scuba gear and play “Underwater Paparazzi” with giant deadly sea creatures.  Sounds like a hell of a Saturday morning doesn’t it??

Playing “TMZ” with a shark not extreme enough for you? Try grabbing it by the nose or tickling its anus when it swims near you. You can place bets to see how quickly you’ll lose your limb and get bonus points if it snatches you right out of the cage!

None of the fools in the pictures above were injured.  Sad, I know.  But there’s always next time. And trust me, there WILL be a next time!

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Grossest Picture of 2010 Thus Far

February 9, 2010

I spotted this over at Crunk + Disorderly

I don’t know the nature of this photo or when it was taken but it doesn’t matter does it? Fellas, if you ever need to pace yourself while having sexual relations, you should visualize this in your head. But don’t do it for too long or your genitals might retreat inside your body indefinitely. I don’t even know what to say about this pic. The super deluxe ashy ankles, dirty lime green Crocs, Tyrone Biggums lips and the yellow “Where the Wild Things Are” eyes are just too much. And why is Clay Aiken holding him in the air like he just carried his bride across the threshold?

Where the F*ck is Captain Planet?!

February 4, 2010

Why is Weatherbug blowing up my phone with severe weather condition alerts when it’s not supposed to snow or rain? Oh, word? These alerts aren’t for extreme weather? They’re for extreme pollution?! WTF?!

Apparently the air pollution in Chicago is so bad right now that an alert has gone out warning people not to stay outdoors for extended periods of time, especially if you already have respiratory problems. WOW. No wonder my damn cough won’t go away! Where the hell is this dude when you need him??

In addition to this garbage I read an article about how Chicago still doesn’t disinfect the waste water that it dumps in the river! Now you know why it always has that nasty greenish-brown color all the time. Of course we get our drinking water form Lake Michigan but this is still gross as hell. The city doesn’t actually want to take steps to clean this crap up (literally) because the resources that it would take to do so would create an even larger “carbon footprint”.

Riiiiiight….

Die Antwoord

February 4, 2010

What…the…damn…hell????

So this is what’s hot in South Africa? I don’t even know what to say. I wanna say that this is a joke but that doesn’t appear to be the case. Dude looks like a white Flavor Flav with Vanilla Ice’s old haircut. Speaking of hair, what’s up with that chick?! That’s a wig, right? Right?! Am I gettin played? Is this a viral marketing campaign for Sasha Baron-Cohen’s new movie?

If you think the first vid was weird check out “Enter the Ninja”:

If you like these cats, and I’m sure some people do, check out their website to hear the album (dropping in February):

And then check out this “secret” part of the website if you’re really in the mood to get creeped out:

{Bumps “Enter the Ninja” in the whip}

WTF?!?!?! Undercover Butt Sniffer??

December 23, 2009

Why??????????????????????????????

This is the most disturbing thing i’ve seen in a long time. This guy is smelling another dude’s butthole in a grocery store. I should not be able to formulate a sentence with such nonsensical content.  And you mean to tell me that the store clerk didn’t think something was suspicious that whole time he was getting sexually assaulted? Maybe he liked it.  I would’ve spotted that sick bastard easily with my peripherals and turned around and hit em with a 1-2 combo like BLOOP BLAOW!

I’ll never feel comfortable in a grocery store ever again…

$1,000 Computer Speakers?!

December 7, 2009

I don’t care how good these Harmon Kardon GLA-55 speakers look on paper cuz I guarantee you that they aren’t a thousand dollars good. Do you know how much Grade-A weed I can buy with that kinda money? Do you know how much mediocre weed I could buy with that kinda money?!? What was the inspiration behind the design? Decapitated piranhas??

Verdict: WACK!

Spotted @ Gizmodo