Archive for the ‘Mugshot’ Category

Mugshots

April 28, 2010

Is this a freeze frame from the intro of some random black sitcom in the 70s that this dude starred in? He looks like Isaac from the Love Boat mixed with Ike Turner. The next time I take a mug shot I’m gonna try to look extra GQ so I can use it as my Facebook profile picture.

It can’t get any better than that folks. Or can it??

Do they? Really?

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Mugshot of the Day

October 12, 2009

beads

Name: M. Barrassing

Charge: Armed robbery with a firearm and attempted armed robbery with a firearm

I can’t believe this guy has the audacity to try to commit crimes with beads in his hair.  Why? Well, he certainly can’t sneak up on anyone. It probably sounds like you’re being ambushed by a pair of maracas. Then again they might come in handy when he’s running from the cops. If they fall out of his hair (see old Venus Williams tennis matches) the cops might slip on them, but he’ll still get caught eventually when they follow the trail of beads back to his hideout.

When will young black men realize that beads are not for them?! It’s nearly 2010 and this is still happening?? With all the homophobia in hip hop you would think that it wouldn’t be cool for thugs to want to bedazzle their hair but apparently this practice slipped through the cracks. Are some cats wearing scrunchies too? Is that what’s hot in the streets now?

These are the only two guys in history that can wear beads and get away with it:

rick-jamescaptain-jack-sparrow

Unless you’re the baddest muthaf*ckin, best-lookin sanger of all time (R.I.P) or an eccentric eye-liner wearing Caribbean pirate you need to stick to braids with black rubber bands or nothing at all. Yeah, I know Stevie Wonder had beads too but he obviously didn’t know any better. I’m just sayin…

The Best Rapper Alive Is…Droopy?

September 11, 2009

Going forward I will only refer to Jay Z as Droopy. It may not rank high among his list of aliases but at least it’s better than Joe the Camel, right?

jay-z-clash-cover

I’m really gonna need magazine editors to start coming up with some new ideas when they put Jay Z on the cover. This guy is too grown for these mugshot photos! This cover would be cool if it was on The Source Magazine back in 1997.  What does a damn near 40-year-old multi-millionaire with the hottest chick in the game have to mean mug about? NOTHING! You mad cuz the interior of your Maybach doesn’t exactly match the cockpit of your private jet? Yeah, that pisses me off too.

I guess I have to add this cover to the “Not A Good Look” category.

Kanye and Common will keep him company:

kanyewestvibecover

common-yrb-cover

Shanking the Band

August 12, 2009

Sarah Stokes Mug Shot

Sara Stokes a.k.a the non-mannish chick from the first season of Diddy’s “Making the Band” was arrested for domestic violence charges and assault with a deadly weapon after stabbing her husband last week. From the mugshot above you would think that she got her ass whooped but according to police reports  she fell down after arguing with her husband and busted her grill {womp womp}.  He probably made some hilarious comment like “Damn, yo career ain’t the only thing that fell off” and she got mad and stabbed him in the arm with a knife, prison style.

Perhaps when she fell down the silicone from her newly-acquired Dolly Parton sized breast implants leaked out and traveled straight to her brain?

Here’s a picture of Sara Stokes, her  watermelon boobs (which I would still motorboat by the way) and her victim husband:

TheStokes

The best part about this whole story has to be the statement issued by her lawyer, Eric Kayira:

“Sara and Tony have a very passionate and loving relationship that on August 2, while having an evening of fun, she slipped and fell, hitting her head heavily on the ground and somehow in the process of helping her Tony got injured.”

WTF?! “Somehow in the process of helping her Tony got injured”??? How does that happen? She was holding a knife when she fell? Was she trying to use the knife to gain her footing? Something doesn’t sound right to me. This reminds me of the time when I was brushing my teeth and sneezed and accidentally shot the mailman who I just happened to be angry at because he kept crumpling up the mail in my mailbox. You go to hell USPS!!!!

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Mugshot of the Week

August 4, 2009

bottlecaps

Name:  Larry “Lobez” Lewinsky*

Charge:  Criminal Defacement of Public Property

Lobez was arrested for tagging various businesses in the suburbs with his graffiti pals and charged with 2 counts of Aggravated Douchery. Does this fool have a bottle cap in one ear and a poker chip in the other? Does he just stick different things in his earlobes depending on how he feels? Real Talk: one day he was rocking a shot glass in one ear and a tube of chapstick in the other. Someone’s clearly trying EXTRA hard to rebel against their parents.  I thought he looked scary until I came across this:

lauraobzera

Name:  Scary Poppins*

Charge: Aggravated Criminal Sexual Abuse (really??)

Apparently Ms. Poppins was an elementary school nurse that got caught allegedly having sexual relations with three teen boys in 2006.  She’s 50 and the boys that she messed with were between the ages of 13 and 17. I’m assuming that one of the boys’ parents “accidentally” read a text message that was sent by the naughty nurse that said something like  “Panties off…teeth out…time to take ur temperature. ” If I had a thing for vampire zombie lookin women I’d totally give her the business.

*Fake names were used to protect the innocent (me)

Mugshot of the Week

June 1, 2009

CatKiller

Name: El Pollo Loco

Charge: Cat Murderer (so gangsta!)

If Mattel comes out with a “Burn Victim Barbie Doll” I have a feeling that it will look eerily similar to this guy. There’s nothing more frightening than a man with four Rapunzel-like locs flowing from his scalp and mascara running down his face like a pornstar on the cover of Throat Gaggers 2. That better be a result of “insanely laughing so hard my eyes are watering” tears and not “I want my mommy uh oh I just shat on myself” tears.

Mugshot of the Week

May 18, 2009

So I’m starting this new thing where I’ll occasionally post and comment on some crazy mugshot that I come across on the internets. I’ll list the charge and a brief description but I won’t use their real names because I don’t want any of these fools Googling themselves from jail and coming after me after they make parole…

This week’s featured criminal:

mugshot

Don't act like I ain't that prettiest lookin muthaf*cka you ever seen in yo life!


Luscious “Silky” Archibald

Charge: Animal cruelty

Silky was charged after police found his dog stabbed to death in a bathtub on April 20, 2009.

Officers went to the home at about 4 a.m. after being called for a well-being check. They later found the body of the dog, a female pit bull, in the tub with multiple stab wounds, police said.

Officers found two bloody knives on a table, police said.


YIKES! This is what nightmares are made of folks. He looks like Rick James mixed with Tim Curry a.k.a IT

When he threatened to “kill a bitch” he was obviously serious. I can’t even hate tho…you gotta respect a dude that’s bald AND has a perm.