Posts Tagged ‘prison’

DMX in Solitary Coonfinement

February 11, 2009
Where my dogs at?! Nevermind...

Arf! Arf! Mind yo business lady!

No, that is not a typo in the title…

Earl Simmons aka DMX-con is locked up in solitary confinement following an altercation with prison guards in an Arizona state detention center. As you know he was sentenced to 90 days in jail after pleading guilty to cruelty to animals, theft, two drug counts, public tomfoolery and jigaboo foolishness.

For some people 90 days in jail might seem like a long time but when you look at all of the stupid stuff that Crackhead Earl has done over the last few years you can’t help but think he’s getting off easy.

Apparently this fool refused to report to his prison job (clamping those little plastic tips to the ends of shoe strings?), failed to show up to receive his medication (God, help us) and decided to go off on prison staff when he came back an hour late to pick it up…hence why he was eventually thrown in the hole. Now I bet he really thinks that It’s Dark and Hell Is Hot!



DMX Arrest Count: #4,345

December 10, 2008

Crackhead X

So Earl Simmons aka DMX was arrested (for the 8th time in 3 months) by the Feds while he was visiting Scott Storch in Miami. Apparently he had a warrant out for his arrest for conducting some type of previous coonery.

THIS JUST IN: Scott Storch is Still Alive…and still douchey looking probably!

These days it’s more surprising to find out when DMX is NOT in jail. He should make a mugshot calendar and use the proceeds to pay for his bail and attorney fees.

DMX Calendar

It’s So Cold In the ‘D’, Indeed

December 4, 2008

So I went on a business trip to Detroit today because I’m kind of a big deal. After overwhelming the client with unrelenting illmaticness me and my co-worker went to the TGIFriday’s in the airport to grab something to eat. To make a long story short a Nun basically challenged me to a knife fight….blah blah, same old stuff. So I unrolled my napkin to grab my blade and to my surprise the only thing that came out was a fork. WTF?! I’m assuming that they don’t give out knives for “security reasons” but surely they misunderestimate my combat skills if they think that’s gonna stop iThug!

Nevertheless when my meal came I noticed that there was a knife on the plate. For a second I thought I may have caught them slippin. However I picked up the bastard only to find out that TGIFriday was trying to punk me!

Can you spot the trickery?

Faux Knife

THE KNIFE WAS PLASTIC! Shiny like metal, but plastic! Did they really think that would stop me from causing damage?! Do they know that when I was in jail I made a shank out of hair follicles and ginger ale bubbles?! You can’t stop iThug from stabbin people son!

On a side note: I was in downtown Detroit at 9am and only saw like 15 people–all of whom were black and clearly unemployed. Unfortunately I wasn’t lucky enough to spot T-Baby because I certainly would’ve asked her to autograph my stomach. But seriously, how can you be downtown in a major city and not see one white person?? I know times are rough but damn! Perhaps things would be different if there was a Red Wings game in town…

There They Are


December 2, 2008
"See, uhh, what had happened was..."

The only thing that would’ve been more appropriate is if he shot himself in the foot. Maybe somebody should just tie Plaxico to a chair, sit him in front of a pile of his own money (assuming that he didn’t spend it all on Patron and other coonish things…yes, I said coonish) and set it on fire. He’ll be upset until he realizes that he’s already done this to himself multiple times.

Bonus: Here’s a videotaped simulation of the Plaxico accident

LOL @ him trying to play if off.