Posts Tagged ‘boobies’

Say No to Fish, Kids

March 31, 2010

A 66-year old pet shop owner in England was fined $1,506 and ordered to wear an ankle bracelet because she was caught selling ___________ to a minor.

A.) Weed
B.) Goldfish
C.) Bootleg DVDs
D.) Condoms

If you guessed “Goldfish” you are correct! Yes, goldfish. Apparently it’s illegal to sell goldfish to children under the age of 16 per a law that was enacted back in medieval times, and by that I mean 2006. Additionally her son was fined $1,300 and ordered to serve 120 hours of community service.

How did the police find out about this dastardly duo, you ask? It was a sting operation! They sent a 14-year old boy in a pet shop to see if he could buy a fish and as soon he came out [the rest of this is a product of my imagination but probably very close to what actually happened] and gave a thumbs up a tear gas grenade flew through the window and a swat team charged in with rifles drawn yelling “Get on the bloody floor you sick son of a bitch! Drop the fish! DROP IT!!!”

On a serious note, what has the world come to? Old women are selling goldfish to kids now? They’re just kids! Aren’t there enough temptations in this world for them? They’re smoking, drinking, huffing, sexting and now scaling*?! We, as a community, need to do more to get these old people off our streets and out of our stores so they can stop corrupting the youth. Who’s with me?!

*Scaling: The act of smoking or snorting scales removed from a live goldfish to produce hallucinogenic effects. Also referred to as “Finding Nemo”

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A Flash for a Flash

May 7, 2009

im-in-ur-windoze-flashing-ur-nayberz

Disneyland has decided to stop hiring workers to watch for girls flashing their breasts on rides such as Space Mountain, Splash Mountain and Tower of Terror. Say what?! Every once in a while some adventurous/drunk woman will try to flash her sweater puppies right at the moment when they take those “Gotcha! Photos“, as John McCain would call them. You know what I’m talking about, right? They have the camera set up somewhere in the middle of the ride that’ll take a picture of you when you least expect it so you can look extra stupid or hilariously frightened:

scary-rollercoaster-ride

I’m just mad, and by that I mean jealous, that people were actually getting paid SOLELY to look for exposed breasts! If I got paid for looking at fun bags I would’ve been a millionaire a decade ago!

After doing this for 10 years Disneyland made the decision to reassign the “Flash Inspectors” (I hope that’s the actual job title) to other jobs because “actual inappropriate behaviors by guests are rare.” I guess it would be kinda boring if you rarely saw anything. I wonder if Tinkerbell is an exhibitionist? Word on the street is that she did a porno that never got released called Sphincterbell: Anal Princess.True story. I read it in a textbook.

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