Archive for the ‘Real News’ Category

Robbed Over Fried Chicken?!

April 14, 2009

Please tell me this is a sketch from a lost episode of Chappelle Show!

Vodpod videos no longer available.
“You know what time it is! Give it up!”




The White House Has A New Puppy!!!

April 13, 2009



So the Obamas finally picked a dog and it’s a Puerto Rican Water Treader or whatever the hell it’s called. Hooray! I can finally breathe a sigh of relief. I didn’t know how much longer I could go on without knowing which type of dog they were going to pick.  Of course there’s controversy surrounding the dog because President Obama can’t wipe his ass without a complaint these days (“Why you gotta use quilted toilet paper? Oh, because you’re a Socialist!”)  Some people are angry because the dog didn’t come from a shelter. However it didn’t come from a nasty puppy mill or a pet store either sooo have a sip of STFU or lay on a train track for a while. Other people are mad because the breed might become too popular now. SERIOUSLY?!?


Polar Bears = 2 | White People = 0

April 13, 2009

Remember how I posted that article a while ago about the guy in Alaska that was attacked by a polar bear after it chased him around his truck like a bitch? Well I just heard about another incident invovling white people and polar bears and honestly, I’m not the least bit surprised.


Christmas came early for the polar bears this year.

A 32-year old woman was at the Berlin Zoo with her family when she decided to hop over a fence, a prickly bush and another barrier to break into the polar bear enclosure. She then decides to swim over to one of the polar bears, probably assuming that it would smile and give her a Coke. It’s apparent that this lady is crazy or smoking some amazing weed because she definitely had a smile on her face while swimming toward a potentially gruesome, yet hilarious to watch, death:


Needless to say, when the polar bears spotted this delusional woman, they were initially confused, but quickly remembered that the craziest ones are always the tastiest ones.

Polar Bear: Mmmm, I'm about to cut some bacon off your back!

Polar Bear: Mmmm, I'm about to cut some bacon off ya back! Let me hear ya squeal!!

After being bitten like a Notorious BIG line in a Jay Z song the foolish woman eventually realized that these bears weren’t playing around. Oh, did I mention that she decided to jump in their habitat during FEEDING TIME? Fortunately there’s a video of the rescue. Unfortunately there’s a video of the rescue and not the mauling that rightfully should have occurred.


Stay Away from Dice Games!

April 9, 2009


It’s not easy on these streets mayne! Peep this excerpt from an article that ran in the Chicago Tribune today:

Tenth-grader Marquell Blake was headed for a dice game Wednesday when an man shot the teenager in the chest, killing him on the street just a few blocks from his family home, relatives said.

Blake, 15, was on spring break when he was shot about 12:30 p.m. in the 7700 block of South Carpenter Street, police said. He was the 32nd Chicago Public Schools student slain this school year.

Family members said Blake had agreed to shoot dice before a man shot him in a robbery attempt. He was carrying a large amount of cash, and his attacker knew it, a source said.

How do you get shot before you even roll the dice?? More importantly how have 32 students already been killed this year?! These kids need to spend spring break on house arrest and go to my Concentrating Encampments during the summer. The world will be a much better place! Apparently this kid was also stabbed 6 months ago so he either had a real bad streak of luck or just made some really poor decisions in life.

Whatever happened to having a good old-fashioned passionate ass whoopin and get your shoes coat and your hat tooken? — Eminem


Sex, Lies and Videotape

April 7, 2009
This is not an actual photo but it's relevant nonetheless!

This is not an actual photo but it's relevant nonetheless!

On this episode of “As the Tables Turn” a 27-year old college student accused 41-year old businessman, Garret Taylor, of rape. She alleged that Taylor showed up at her place with a bottle of wine and some cocaine (party time!) and forced her to perform a sexual act on himself and then proceeded to rape her in the living room. Wow, those are some mighty strong accusations. Normally a case like this would not end well for the accused, regardless of the lack of concrete evidence, but Mr. Taylor’s attorneys had one last trick up their sleeves– CELL PHONE VIDEO FOOTAGE!


{commercial break}

One Night Stand Gone Awry

April 6, 2009


RUSSIA–Alexander Kirilov, 44, was out drinking with his friends and slowly losing his ability to inhibit his homoerotic fantasies when he spotted a raccoon. He probably noticed that the little creature had five toes that resembled human fingers and became aroused.  So he decided to hop on the furry animal and have his way with it, not knowing how quickly he would regret this decision.

While Alexander was surely aware of the fact that raccoons are omnivorous, he probably only assumed that they ate fruits, nuts, rodents, frogs, eggs and other things of that nature. However he soon discovered that their diet also included something that would leave him feeling impartial for the rest of his life–man penis. Yep, the raccoon bit off a piece of his wiener with more satisfaction than a baseball fan during the first home game of the season. Looks like Alex also learned the hard way that raccoons don’t take kindly to rape. Who knew?

According to one of Alexander’s friends the cosmetic surgeons advised that they’ll be able to “get things working again” but will not be able to restore what the raccoon bit off. Ouch. His friend also said that Alexander is still an asshole but not as much of a dick as he used to be. Well, not really, but that’s what I would’ve said.


The Three Whosits?

April 2, 2009

I know this is old news to most of you but I’m still a bit shocked by the alleged casting selection for the upcoming Three Stooges movie…


Benecio Del Toro as Moe; Jim Carrey as Curly; Sean Penn as Larry

Yeah, that’s right, a NEW Three Stooges movie. If it wasn’t for the fact that I heard about this in March I would’ve assumed that it was an April Fool’s joke. The Farrelly brothers are directing the film (credits include There’s Something About Mary, Me, Myself and Irene and Dumb and Dumber) and I heard that Sean Penn has already signed on as Larry. Jim Carrey obviously has a long history with the directors so he’s probably a shoo-in. Apparently he’s willing to gain 40lbs to play the role of Curly. Lastly, there’s Benecio Del Toro, who in my opinion is the most unlikely choice, but maybe he’ll surprise everyone like Heath Ledger did as The Joker.

Did I forget to mention that this isn’t a biographical film? It’s pretty much going to be  The Three Stooges in the 21st century with all of the eye poking, “Nyuk Nyuks” and “Why I Oughtas”. What wild and crazy antics should we expect in this day and age? They’re always trying to figure out a way to make money so I assume they’ll get into trouble selling bootleg DVDs and/or loose cigarettes. Will they try to kidnap a gorilla only to realize that they accidentally captured 50 Cent?


Only time will tell…


Is it really Spring?

March 30, 2009
Perfect time for a marathon, no?

Perfect time for a marathon, no?

Bank of America hosted its annual 8K Shamrock Shuffle marathon in Chicago this weekend, and as you can see from the picture above, the weather was absolutely breathtaking–in a dying from hypothermia sort of way.

The high this weekend was about 40 degrees. It rained on Saturday and snowed on Sunday. Some northern suburbs were buried under 7″ of snow but that’s the price you pay for being in the burbs and not having adequate sidewalks and street lights. I guess it’s safe to say that a more appropriate title for this race would’ve been the “Shamrock Shovel“. Haha? Ha? No? You go to hell and you die!

30,000 people registered for the race but only 14,000 showed up.  That’s probably the only reason why a family of Kenyans didn’t place 1st, 2nd and 3rd in record time.


Hooray for Stem Cells

March 30, 2009

Like most heterosexual males I’m a big fan of boobs/breasts/fun bags/sweater puppies,  but when it comes to implants I usually have to draw the line. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind them so much when they’re subtle and not so hard that you’ll break your nose if you try to motorboat em, but some women get carried away…


Big Mac Snack WRAP?

March 23, 2009


Apparently McDonald’s is testing certain Canadian and U.S. markets to see how people feel about an all beef patty, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun flour tortilla?

Hmmm, sounds like a confused burrito to me. I heard that it was raised and sexually abused by its two transgendered parents, Hamburglar and Grimace. Damn shame what they did to that boy…


I’ve never been a fan of the Big Mac with its extra slice of bread in the middle and the Thousand Island… I mean, “Special Sauce” that causes it to slide apart in the box before you even open the damn thing.  Just give me the standard faux meat Quarter Pounder and some fries and I’m good to go!

Speaking of suspicious meat, does anyone find it a bit disconcerting that you can tear a McDonald’s burger apart as easily as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? What kinda sissified beef are we eating?? Whatever, i’ll still get one later today. They’re delicious!